A little while back I realised I couldn’t afford to live in the city any more, so moved back to the folks. As well as being more fiscally responsible, it’s just nicer to pay rent to your pensioner, no-money-in-da-bank parents (who will spend that money on food to put in their disgusting, crinkly, old mouths), rather than give it to your fuckhead Sydney land lord. Who will spend it on coke.
But I digress. This is not after all a social commentary on the evils of Capitalism and the importance of redirecting money out of the hands of corporate interests and back in to communities and ethical investment. This is about Design!
I figured my efforts to isolate and not bring Covid19 in to the house and literally KILL my 73 year old mother (LOL!) served as a nice excuse to transform the FUCK out of the granny flat, where I would be spending literally all of my time!
So check it out!
We’ll start off with a fairly ugly wall bravely painted in not quite yellow.
I donned a face mask and got me to a Mitre 10, where I bought one of the cheapest semi gloss tins possible. (It’s called ‘Accent’. Fuck Dulux it was like literally a million bucks more.) Colour wise I chose the dubiously named ‘Chloride’, and the more enchanting sounding ‘Magnetic Magic’ for the border things. So i got home, washed my hands for 10 minutes and got painting! With my father. Who I gotta say by the end of the day I didn’t give a shit if he got COVID19, I really didn’t.
It’s not enough to paint it but, you gotta add some life props, and let me tell you, kitchen wise, you’re never too old to have a bunch of mismatched tea cups hanging off hooks like some twee Wes Anderson loving arsehole. You’re really not.
Also that booze is the result of panic buying and one fancy bottle of Lillet was a gift. I don’t usually have prop booze laying around. And don’t worry I have ten more bottles of really cheap wine stashed under the sink. Liking mint green doesn’t mean I’m a fucking idiot.
Down to the distasteful matter of coin. The starburst mirror was 20 bucks on FB marketplace. The art deco side board I got for a measly $40 from some nice putz who referred to genuine antiques in excellent condition as ‘this old shit in my fathers garage I’m trying to get rid of’.
(Note: all this loot I scored off marketplace a few weeks ago. You know, before we were afraid to shake peoples hands. If I was getting this shit now I’d be wiping it off with metho for fear of Corona cooties. As you should too dear reader, as you should too.)
Yeah here’s a before shot
As I’ve always lived in rental houses, I’ve never been allowed to paint a room before and have had to live with your general share house wall colours, which seem to be ‘Bright, No Bond Back For You’ White, ‘Is that mould or the actual colour?’ Grey, and another one that cannot be referred to as anything other than ‘Phlegm’. Reader, I took full advantage of my new found powers, and went bright!
I’m no different to the next arsehole who lends sea theme colours to their bathroom, as though the ocean and their toilet water are inextricably linked. Which I guess they are. By sewerage and whatnot.
This colour was called ‘ZEFTRON’, and the guy at the hardware store mixing the paint said ‘Wow that’s an inappropriate name for this colour. It sounds like something out of science fiction!’ and I went ‘Ha ha. YEAH!’ because I didn’t know what to say.
He was right though.
Here is the shelf in the bathroom.
I basically ripped out the middle shelf, cleaned out the cockroach crap, and sticky taped in some old vinyl wallpaper I had lying around. Because that is the kind of thing I have lying around. You know, in lieu of important things, like toothpaste and phone chargers, and money.
You can try this at home, but it obviously won’t look as good if you don’t own a bottle of 4711.
Upon reflection, instead of writing ‘I basically ripped out the middle shelf, cleaned out the cockroach crap, and sticky taped in some old vinyl wallpaper I had lying around.’ I should have written something more …design-ey. Like ‘I decided on removing the middle shelf to allow for a more practical, visually spacious area. Taking a damp cloth I worked it along the surface, removing any dirt or debris. After drying, I carefully measured and cut a piece of genuine 70’s wallpaper I had set aside. The orange and yellow will give a lovely, contrasting ‘pop!’ against the blue when one of your guests open the doors to snoop in your cabinet post quarantine. Holding it along the inside of the shelf, I smoothed it down to ensure there were no wrinkles and air bubbles, then used ordinary, poor persons sticky tape to secure it. I. Am. SO. Clev-ah!’
Yeah look the bathroom is a work in progress. But I have added this lovely old piece of enamelware to perch precariously/uselessly on top of the shelf I just fkn ”upcycled”.
Stay tuned for more erotic adventures in Upsycle-ry.