Monthly Horoscopes for April. See what the stars have in store!

Drawings (other than cover header image) by Kimmy Bronowski.

Pisces

An eclipse in your House of Domesticity may see conflict on the home front. All signs point to you locking yourself in your room with the last of your share houses hand sanitiser. A ‘Lord of the Flies’ scenario ensues.

Aries

Neptune gliding through your house of entrepreneurship will see you channel your unspeakable horniness into creativity. You will bedazzle your dildo.

Taurus

You will be forced to eat unpalatable cuisine. A long wait for any kind of financial aid will see you regret panic buying all that pizza and semi mid shelf wine at the start of the month.

Gemini
By mid month, your flatmates will crack and quietly consent to boning each other for the remainder of the lockdown season. You will call ‘Shotgun’ on the one who doesn’t have a dry cough.

Cancer

Your 24/7 live stream of yourself crying on to your cat will prove a hit with sadists and torture porn enthusiasts.

Virgo

Your insufferable fastidiousness and hypochondria will serve you well this month. Your over cautiousness will see you be the only one in your book club not to come down with Covid19 and you will figure out how to activate the microphone on your home computer for the Zoom meeting. High five Virgo!

Leo

‘Quarantine! My moment to shine!’ you say. Wrong Leo! The acoustic cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ you generously decide to inflict from your council flat balcony may well result in your neighbours cannibalising you.

Libra

In your trademark bid for fairness, balance and beauty, you will fashion yourself a swanky mask, but be undecided as to what to wear it with. You will draft a small essay on the aesthetics of contagion. As you are also a massive wanker.

Scorpio

As we all know Scorpio, you are ruled by your dong. An eclipse in your 5th House will unleash your competitive streak, and you will jealously horde all the dildo’s you secretly panic bought back in February. Like the dragon Smaug from The Hobbit but sitting on a big ol’ pile of dildo’s instead of gold.

Sagittarius

Venus gliding through your House of Luck will see you being able to pull off a ‘Finisher move’ while playing Witcher 2. This generally depends on the chance of being able to perform an effect of ‘’stunning’’ a character. It is unclear whether this will be achieved by using the Aard Spell, but either way, you will be able to stun an opponent, and stylishly eliminate your foe.

Capricorn

Venus sashays into your House of Love and Passion! She is however muted by a frustrating trine with an ever retrograde Mercury.  So although the Centrelink queue will prove a movable feast of impoverished hospo babes, social distancing will see you unable to seal the deal. Never mind Capricorn. While your bank account be empty, your spank bank overfloweth.

Aquarius

You will be undecided on whether to be fastidiously paranoid or cavalier about health matters this month. You will smear yourself in hand sanitizer and shoot off a few late night ‘Wass up’s?’ to only the more hygienic seeming contacts saved to your ‘Totes defo’s dead set root’ list.

Published by Myleftmoot

NO.

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